How Letting Go of Control Transformed My Marriage

Why Control Doesn’t Work

For a long time, I thought the key to a great marriage was simple: if my husband would just do things my way, we’d be fine. I wasn’t trying to be bossy; I genuinely believed I was helping. But instead of making our relationship stronger, my “helpful” suggestions and attempts to guide him only pushed us further apart.

I didn’t see it at the time, but my actions were building barriers between us. He felt criticized and dismissed, and I felt frustrated and disconnected. It wasn’t until I stopped focusing on what I wanted him to change and started looking at my own behavior that things began to shift.

Here are 10 ways I tried (and completely failed) to control my husband—and what happened when I decided to let go and choose connection instead.

10 Ways I Tried to Control My Husband

1. Trying to Fix Things with “Helpful” Suggestions
   I was full of ideas like, “You’d sleep better if you didn’t fall asleep with the TV on,” or “If you kept your things organized, you wouldn’t lose them.” I thought I was being practical, but what he heard was criticism.
2. Talking for Him
   At the doctor’s office, restaurants, or even with friends, I’d jump in and answer questions for him. I thought I was making things easier, but instead, I made him feel like I didn’t trust him to speak for himself.
3. Taking Over Decisions
   Whether it was how to spend money or what clothes to toss, I often decided for him without asking. I thought I was just being efficient, but he felt like his opinion didn’t matter.
4. Giving Judgey Looks
   A raised eyebrow at his grocery choices, a sigh at his favorite TV shows, or a grimace when he suggested buying something new—I thought I was being subtle, but my looks said it all. He felt judged, not supported.
5. Asking “Innocent” Questions
   “Are you really eating that?” or “Do you need to leave so early?” seemed harmless to me. But to him, it felt like I was second-guessing everything he did.
6. Suggesting Counseling
   When I said, “We need counseling,” what he heard was, “You’re the problem.” Even though I wanted to improve our relationship, the way I approached it made him feel inadequate.
7. Telling Him My Way Was Better
   “I’d take a different route,” or “I’d get that looked at if I were you.” I thought I was sharing helpful advice, but to him, it felt like I didn’t trust his judgment.
8. Pointing Out His Flaws
   Comments like, “You’re being passive-aggressive,” or “You’re so messy,” were my way of trying to make him “better.” But instead of helping him grow, it just hurt him and drove a wedge between us.
9. Giving Him Orders
   I’d say things like, “You should call your mom,” or “You need to diversify your finances.” What I thought were good suggestions sounded like commands to him, building resentment instead of closeness.
10. Redoing What He’d Done
    From fixing how he made the bed to rearranging the dishwasher after he loaded it, I thought I was being helpful. But to him, it felt like nothing he did was good enough.

At first, I didn’t realize how much my actions were affecting him—or our marriage. But over time, I noticed how distant he seemed. He was defensive, I was frustrated, and we were both feeling stuck. Finally, I realized that my attempts to “help” were really just attempts to control, and they were backfiring.

So, I decided to make a change. Instead of focusing on what I wanted him to fix, I started working on myself. I let go of trying to control every little thing and began to embrace our differences. And something amazing happened—our relationship started to feel lighter and more connected.

Here’s what helped me let go of control:

• Pause and Reflect: Before offering a suggestion, I started asking myself, “Is this about helping, or is this about me needing control?”
• Focus on His Strengths: Instead of nitpicking what I thought he was doing wrong, I began to notice and appreciate what he was doing right.
• Let Go of Perfection: I realized that things didn’t have to be done my way to be okay. Sometimes “good enough” really is good enough.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in your marriage, ask yourself: How can I let go of control and choose connection instead? You might be surprised by the transformation that follows.  If you need help my coaching program, Better Me, Better We would be so helpful for you. Or my 1:1 coaching programs. You can find details HERE.